Thursday, 21 August 2014

thinking of you

In the wee hours of this morning as I held Lucas in my arms, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I started scrolling through the blog archives. I read one post after another.
 I decided last August I wasn't going to remember what day it happened. So I made no note in my calendar and decided that with the passing of time and my terrible memory that eventually I'd forget the date and month entirely.

Last night, I remembered that I'd left one little clue for myself. I went searching for it at 1am this morning. I found that post. August 21st. Exactly a year, to the date. 

I was numb that day and for the weeks that followed.

I could rationalise it in my head but not in my heart. It's so common and we're not the first nor will we be the last to experience that pain. While those facts are true they did absolutely nothing to ease my heartache...and it ached.

To ache for the loss of someone you've loved for years makes sense. To ache for the lost opportunity to love someone you are yet to meet does not...and yet that didn't matter to my heart. It was shattered into a thousand pieces and it hurt.

We'd lost our first baby.

The days, weeks and months that followed were so much harder than I was expecting. To the rest of the world we made it look like we had moved on as though nothing had happened - on the inside I was hollow.

I remember laying in bed next to you one Saturday morning, we both knew the other person was awake but neither of us said anything. We just laid there. We both knew what we were thinking about but neither of us had the words or courage to speak.

At times I feel like I'm still waiting for those words to arrive. I suspect that's why I listened to and sang Glorious Ruins so much after that day.
One day we'll hold you little one - till then bask in His perfect love.

"When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy

I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace

Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing

When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence"

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

four weeks

You are officially 4 weeks old!

I can't believe we've been able to kiss and cuddle you for 4 weeks. It feels like you only arrived yesterday.

We've loved wasting days getting to know you, nappy changes, feeds, gazing into your eyes, watching you sleep, cuddling you, smothering your face, arms, feet and tummy with kisses, singing silly songs and midnight dance sessions.

Can't tell you how much fun we've had with you over these last 4 weeks (can't tell you how sleep deprived we are too!)

We love you to the moon and back little man - thank you for being you.

Friday, 15 August 2014

nappy change

Hi honey,

Hope your day at work is going well. 

Here are a few pics of the little guy from this mornings nappy change. A little different to the 3am version earlier today where he was bright red from screaming his little lungs out.

Seriously - how adorable is he. It's no surprise he gets covered with kisses at every feed and nappy change!

A few things I learnt this morning:

1. The hair dryer isn't the only thing that instantly stops him crying. Apparently the little guy also likes the Hillsong "No Other Name" album. I figure it's cause he heard it for a full week at the conference just before he was born. 

2. I kinda feel bad telling you this one but we just had the best playtime!! OH much fun! He was calm and relaxed enough to enjoy his nappy change (even though he still did a spew during it). I also placed him in his rocker for the first time and he really enjoyed that too. He's so much more alert and you can see that he really looks and notices you now. I may or may not have shed a tear of happiness while hanging out with him this morning. I have a feeling you'll really enjoy playtime tomorrow with him. 

3. The downside to him being so much more alert is that it's taking sooo much longer to settle him for a nap. Oh well as they say "babies be babies".

Thursday, 14 August 2014

oh my heart

Oh my heart.
How blessed am I to be your mum!

Sunday, 10 August 2014

snippets of our week at home with you

Hey Lucas,

I'm completely aware that you can't read this at the moment and that when you are old enough to you may not even want to read it! 

But I'm going to write it anyway.

While it's written to you, let's be honest it's also for your Dad and I (and your grandparents). Much like the wonderful times I've documented of your Dad and I here on this blog - I plan to document the memories we create with you because we want to savor and enjoy every precious moment we have with you.
Here are a few snippets of our second week at home with you.

Playtime with dad - this lasts about 2-3 minutes at the moment before you give us a yawn to let us know it's time for another nap.
You went to Jonty's 5th "Everything is Awesome" Lego birthday party, wearing the sweet threads Auntie Sarah gave you. Yep, you were a little pooped and exhausted from all the partying.
That's you meeting Lily and Jonty for the first time. Trust me, you are actually in the pram. You're just very tinny at the moment so you don't really take up much space in it.

That's you having some lunch. We're both learning how to master the art of feeding. We were doing really well for a while...we'll keep working on it.
 Your first attempt at tummy time with Dad.
This is my view of you when your milk drunk - ohh Lucas how I love you!
This is you chatting to Dad before your massage..
...and this is you falling asleep during your baby massage.
Left: You milk drunk again
 Right: Tummy time with Mum.
Your first shower - you LOVED it!
Early morning chat with Dad before your (3rd) breakfast...
 ...followed by early morning burps with Dad.
 Playtime with Mum before we pop you into your cot for yet another nap.

 Here are a few things you didn't see in the pictures but I think you should know:
  • You peeing on your Dad and I at 4 consecutive nappy changes. Your Dad laughing at me when I just got peed on. Me laughing at your Dad when you peed on his favourite shorts. I wish I'd had the camera to capture the look on his face!
  • Me googling "how to get pee out of carpet" at 3am in the morning (one of many moments where I've realised that life is no longer as it once was)
  • Your Dad playing the Red Hot Chili Peppers to you on his guitar so you'd stay awake to feed.
  • The stub of your umbilical cord falling off.
  • You spewing out of your nose and mouth at the same time.
  • You doing a number 2 while Dad was changing your nappy and the way Dad jumped back to make sure it didn't hit him!
  • You going to your first play group.
  • The countless visitors you've had. So thankful that you are loved and adored by so many!
  • The tears we both cried when you've been in agony with reflux and wind (I could write a whole blog post on this one!)
  • The little smiles you give randomly throughout the day. We don't care if they're gas, they're just amazing.
Your Dad and I love being around you Lucas - even when you pee on us! We're so thankful to be able to do life with you, you are a remarkable person and it's been amazing getting to know you over the last 2 weeks.

I don't think your Dad and I have ever laughed as much as we have in the last 2 weeks and that's all thanks to you! I don't think we've ever prayed together as much as we have in the last two weeks either. The weight of responsibility we feel for you is incredibly humbling and it's made us both realise that as much as we love you there are certain things that are beyond our control and we need to know where our responsibility ends and where we need to let go and trust that God's got you in His hands - cause He does. 

So thankful He's placed you in our family.

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Your first week

Dear Lucas,

As you grow up you'll quickly learn that mum doesn't have a great memory but she does take a lot of photos, so I thought I should write a few things down next to these photos in case you ask me questions one day about when you were born.

Here is the executive summary.
You were born on the 22nd July at 22:22, you weighted 3.578kg and were 52cm.

...and here is the extended version.

Your dad and I turned up to the hospital at 8pm on Monday 21st July. We were hoping to meet you in a few hours time but it took a little longer than that!
That's me (and you on the inside) at 8ish on the 21st July...
....and that's me, you and dad at 10.22pm on the 22 July
 I got to hold you for a few beautiful but brief minutes...
 ...before the doctors and nurses worked out you had swallowed some meconium and needed some help with your breathing. Your dad stayed with you the whole time, holding your hand and chatting to you, while I was in another room waiting to get better before the doctors would let me see you.
That was a hard hour for both dad and I. I'm so thankful for the kind and wise heart of your Aunty Robyn who stayed with me for that hour.
 We were reunited an hour later and I couldn't stop smiling at you and whispering things to you. You are so precious to your Dad and I Lucas.
 The next few days were hard, you stayed in the special care nursery and we pretty much decided we were going to live there too. Our days consisted of staring at you, watching the machines measuring your oxygen and heart rate and praying. Thanking God for you and praying for a speedy recovery.
 At 5am on Thursday 24th July a nurse walked into our room to do my obs and she casually mentioned that the special care nurses had said that you were out of the oxygen hood and we could hold you. I jumped out of bed and was rudley reminded by my body that I had given birth a few days earlier, so your dad and I hobbled over to you as quickly as we could.
Oh Lucas - there are no words to describe the joy your dad and I felt that morning. The way your heart aches as a parent when your child is sick is unlike anything else I've experienced, like wise the ecstasy and joy you feel when all is well is indescribable.
 You were still on a few medicines so we couldn't take you with us, but we could now cuddle and feed you so we set up camp in the special care nursery and sat there chatting and cuddling you whenever we were allowed.
 Pop and Nanna and Baba and Dedo also came and...
 at 11am on Friday 25th July our prayers were answered and you graduated from the Special Care nursery. You had your goodbye cuddles with Maureen who took such great care of you and we got to wheel you off to our room.
 Dad gave you your first bath.
 You were finally with us and we couldn't take our eyes off you...
 Can you blame are just sooo adorable!
 I wasn't kidding...we spent hours staring and smiling at you, we were and continue to be awe struck by God's goodness and generosity in entrusting us with you.
 I was in the bathroom and walked out and found your dad in this position...seriously we could not take our eyes off you!
Sunday 27th rolled around and it was finally time to take you home with us.
 Our first family photo.
 Dad did the duty of placing you in the car seat, check out the smile on his face as he's looking at you. Melts my heart.
 We're home!!
 See this pic here - I have day dreamed about this image for years my heart nearly exploded into a thousand pieces when I saw you two this morning like this.
Today you are officially one week old. So we celebrated by taking you out for a walk.
Two amazing men - how blessed am I to have you both in my life!!

Happy one week precious one.